Curnbee's modern life

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.

2009-01-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

One of the best poems of all time.

Love Letters

2009-01-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

Really, if you haven't read this book, read it. If you can truly appreciate it, that is. It is amazing to read through the incredibly romantic words that people express through these letters. Me? I'm a hopeless romantic. Poetry, love songs, "chick-flicks", romantic comedies, lifetime movies-they all get to me. I'm not ashamed to admit it! That's why I think my standards are so high for romantic relationships. And why I have decided to wait until college for my first real one. High school "relationships" are ridiculous to me. There are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, they are just a joke. I can't wait until God finally puts that one person in my life. That person that I just might get a love letter from that will make me swoon.
Speaking of waiting until college...
the college search trudges on. I might even be visiting DBU very soon! I am pretty much extremely stoked about that. Michelle and I talk endlessly about it in English and even began a pro and con list. The only real con being that we can only go home for holidays. But we'll see how it goes and hopefully I can make my decision very soon.

2009-01-06T23:49:00.000-08:00

I mean, seriously. I'm so tired! And yet I do nothing to help me get back in a normal sleep pattern. I stay up until all hours of the night doing unimportant things. Anyways, my point is that I am too tired write a blog that is somewhat interesting right now. I definitely will later.

New Beginnings.

2009-01-05T23:24:00.000-08:00

What an unoriginal title.

2009. Two-Thousand and Nine. I can't believe my graduation year is finally here. I can tell it is going to be a great one. I feel better and better about the person I am becoming. FINALLY. As for this blog, I will definitely be keeping up with it more regularly because I'm tired of saying I will write in a blog and then I lose interest. I find expressing myself through the written word is a lot more liberating/satisfying/etc. than that of saying things aloud. People can come to their own conclusions and I can just keep on keeping on without feeling the least bit self conscious.
Anyways. As for me, a lot has changed since I last wrote in this blog. I have become a senior. I have matured GREATLY. The biggest conclusion I have come to in the past few months is that apart from a select few others, everyone in my school is fake. AND THEY DISPLAY IT SO BLATANTLY! It makes me want to get out of this town so badly. But I have another 6 months and 6 days until graduation, so I will make the best with what I have to work with.
I have been accepted to my first university! Dallas Baptist University to be exact. I'm feeling really good about this school, but am still praying that I end up where God wants me to be, because I truly strive to be in the place that He wants me to be the most.
I already feel better having written this much. Sadly, it is 11:37 and I desperately need to get back into a normal human's sleep pattern so I shall leave it at that for now. But expect more soon!

I told you I'd be back.

2008-06-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

And I'm better than ever, by the way.

It's finally feeling like summer. And I have been pretty happy with life the past few days.
quick list update of happenings:
-Abbie and I bringing the party to Shelby's sweet sixteeeen
-Dancing the night away at said sweet sixteen!
-Going to church and not feeling the least bit drowsy
-Quality time with BROOKLYN WAGNER
-Helping out a friend in need (lovelovelove doing that.)
-Finding the perfect summer songs to turn all the way up in the car!

so, yeah. it's been going pretty swimmingly the past 2 days or so.
hopefully it continues?

Who wants to go?!

Back in the game.

2008-06-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

So I really haven't been involved within the blogosphere for a while now...and I figure (after much pushing from Miss Brooklyn Wagner) that I should start again. So here's a list of what's been going on as of late:

-School's out
-I'm a senior...and it's wierd.
-Summer School. yeah...
-Volleyball. and lots of it.

I guess that's it? haha it's not a very long list. But it sucks because it really does not feel like summer at all. I am gone from 8am to about 4pm. No sleeping in (unless I don't go to church on Sundays but I most likely will). So after summer school is over Brooklyn and I plan on trying to make things as summery as possible.

Can't friggen wait.

oh, and this made my day.

I will try to blog again soon!

Spend a lazy Sunday with me.

2008-03-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

So the past few days have been pretty eventful. There was a stressful misunderstanding that knocked me down physically for a couple days. I guess they really weren't lying when they said stress isn't good for people recovering with mono. But whatever, at least that's over. I need to hurry up and buy tickets for SanFran! But anyways. So yesterday I was talking with a friend of mine(who shall remain anonymous even though I'm sure hardly anyone reads this) and he was saying how much he hated his life and how he hasn't been happy for 10 years, so on and so forth. It just saddened me to see someone who I thought was so full of life and happy all the time be so down. Talking about how he felt like purposely flipping his car without his seatbelt on sometimes. I talked to him for a while and calmed him down thankfully. But the thing that bothers me the most is that people are complete douchebags to this person for no good reason. It just made me so angry. On another note, one more week at home and then I'm back in action! Thank God. Oh, and I really dont like Daylight Savings Time.!

Honestly.

2008-03-06T00:29:00.000-08:00

I heard the word college used more times than I would like to hear today. But it WAS a good day. Went to second period AP English...and got a warm reception! haha even in the parking lot too. But it was fun being in English again...i forgot how much i loved it. But anyways, after that i went to see mrs hardy. (mrs? ms? i never know which it is) and basically set up a wayy easy schedule for the rest of this year, which is sooo relieving! Then went home because i was POOPED! Seriously. Then had a serious talk about SanFran. Man I hope that happens...I really need it. But anyways, i'll be going back to school on friday just for english again. But it's a start...right? Right.

Dreams.

2008-03-01T21:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, I don't know about you, but I love when I have really good dreams. Lately I have been having dreams every time I fall asleep. Even for naps or whatever. Anyways. I was having a reallyyyy good dream. One of those that you dont want to end, you know? And no I'm not talking about anything dirty you pervs. But I'm having this dream while taking an unplanned nap and all of a sudden, at the very momentous climax of my dream, I'm awakened by a member of my family, (ahemmmeaelfa alisha ahemmm) who comes in my room for God knows what reason. I got up, shut my door, and found myself jumping back in bed to try and continue with this dreamy movie going through my mind. Only to find I can't go back to sleep. I was very disappointed. Now I'm not going to describe this dream to you but the leading male in it was someone from school and a good friend of mine who I would not have thought would be in that position. hahaha but I am sad i didnt get to see what happened next.

Today.

2008-02-27T23:10:00.000-08:00

Was better. Kind of. I went to school! But at 2:45 for a meeting with a teacher. haha. Saw like half of my teachers who all said "when are you coming back?!!"...especially coach haha. Buttt the whole academic thing is kind of overwhelming and crazy right now so its stressing me out. but on a lighter note I talked to my dad about how I have been in this house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 7 weeks and how I HAVE to get out. and he agreed. So I get to go out this weekend! Not like crazy, but still its a start for sure. Oh, and I'm also cheered up because a bunch of new clothes and my new books came in the mail. So today had its share of pros and cons.

2008-02-26T22:53:00.001-08:00

So here's my question.
when you're going through a rough time and you need someone to talk to, but the person you want to talk to is really really really happy, how are you supposed to dump the weight of your problem onto their happiness? And how do you even know they'll truly care?
My sense of trust is really screwed up.

going,

2008-02-26T11:56:00.001-08:00

stir-cra·zy [stur-krey-zee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective Slang.

1.	Informal. restless or frantic because of confinement, routine, etc.: I was stir-crazy after just two months of keeping house.

2.	mentally ill because of long imprisonment.

I'd say that's about right.

Good news.

2008-02-23T01:31:00.000-08:00

My mom's test results came back and the cancer hasn't spread to any major organs.
Thank the Lord. What a serious relief.

2008-02-19T20:37:00.001-08:00

Not that much has happened in that past few days. Hung out with the best friend til all hours of the morning in the freezing cold this weekend. Then I was supposed to go back to school today, but that didnt happen. probably sometime later this week. But tomorrow i'm going to Winnie's to watch a movie, so that should be fun. oh! the highlight of my day was getting all my new clothes in the mail that i ordered. life is good.

2008-02-14T16:32:00.001-08:00

Katie :(

Just thoughts.

2008-02-12T15:51:00.000-08:00

There comes a time when you must stand alone.
You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.
You must be willing to make sacrifices.
You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved. Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged. There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.
Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.
Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.
Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.
Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.
If someone hurts you, betrays you , or breaks you heart, forgive them. For they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to who you open your heart to.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either.
You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

2008-02-12T15:48:00.000-08:00

256 random things I love.

0. Learning about people
1. The inspiration you get after watching a really good movie
2. Feeling and being comfortable
3. Laughing so much with someone that the only reason you are still laughing is because they are, and they are still laughing because you are, and it just goes on.
4. Books I read over and over
5. Learning
6. Cold breezes
7. Feeling happy
8. Jumping on trampolines
9. Playing in rain
10. Staying up late
11. Looking at the stars
12. Contentedness
13. Singing loudly and together
14. Running through sprinklers
15. Text messaging
16. Playing with animals
17. Rolling in grass
18. Shaved legs on clean sheets
19. Achievement
20. Passing a test you didn't study for
21. Learning new words
22. Making up words
23. Laughing so hard you cry
24. Crying so hard you laugh
25. Seeing people you haven't seen in forever
26. Understanding
27. Making a fool of yourself in public
28. Sleepovers without any sleeping
29. Watching Disney movies
30. Feeling pretty
31. Dressing up
32. Staying in PJs all day
33. When good songs come on the radio
34. Sunny mornings
35. Giggling
36. Cuddling
37. Daydreaming
38. Dancing like crazy
39. Having a day off from school every now and then
40. Really long hugs
41. Looking at old photographs
42. Dogs!
43. Making s'mores but not really eating them
44. Being stubborn
45. Being right
46. Finding the good in everything
47. A "sick day" that really isn't
48. Making situations awkward with random people
49. The beauty of trees
50. Swimmingon a hot day
51. Feeling like you're worth something to someone
52. Weekends
53. Being loved unconditionally
54. Going to parties
55. The smell of baking bread & cookies
56. Putting on clothes right after they come out of the dryer
57. Walking outside barefoot
58. Running outside in the rain, getting soaking wet
59. Dancing while driving or in the car
60. Eating sweets and candy
61. Reading books and then reccomending them
62. Smiling when you really mean it
63. Having lots of money to do whatever you want with
64. Shopping for clothes that make you feel pretty
65. When strangers give you a weird look because you're laughing too loud and too much or just being weird
66. The feeling you get after you spin and around really, really, really fast and fall over
67. Holding hands
68. Realizing you've just aced a really hard test.
69. Water in the shower that is not too hot or too cold
70. Eating lemons & limes and making funny faces
71. Long conversations about nothing, but meaning everything
72. Realizing someone you like is staring at you
73. Being squished in the back of a car
74. Writing the cheesiest things possible that you probably won't admit in person but really do enjoy them
75. When someone puts their arms around your waist
76. Spending the day at home and just getting stuff done
77. Singing along to a song with your friends
78. Painting anything.
79. Driving way too fast down the street
80. Blasting music
81. Drawing on yourself or others drawing on you
82. Hearing "I love you" and knowing the other person really means it
83. Three day weekends
84. Keeping up a conversation
85. Doing stuff just because you can
86. The smell of rain
87. When somebody tells you a secret that nobody else in the world knows
88. Thunderstorms
89. Secrets in genereal
90. Taking a long bubble bath
91. Going on road trips with friends
92. Feeling alive
93. Holding hands with anyone or touching in general
94. Feeling like you don't care what anyone thinks
95. Puddle Jumping
96. Being loved back
97. Being in a good mood for absolutely no reason
98. Getting a compliment from somebody you look up to
99. First day of summer vacation
100. Jumping in leaves
101. Being yourself
102. Poetry
103. Sitting down after walking all day
104. Playing tag
105. Playing Hide n' Go Seek
106. Watching scary movies, but never alone
107. Feeling understood
108. Meeting new people
109. Making and creating things
110. Writing on anything
111. Doodling
112. Drinking water constantly
113. Taking risks
114. Standing up for the kid that everyone picks on
115. Going to the movies
116. Talking about the past
117. Remembering something you forgot
118. Finding something you thought you lost
119. Cold sheets on hot nights
120. The cold side of the pillow
121. When somebody other than you trips and falls
122. When somebody's cell phone goes off in class
124. Not being punished for something you should have been punished for
125. Walking under streetlamps at night
126. Agreement
127. Little kids!
128. Cuteness
129. Not getting nervous over something big
130. Having a good day and seeing that others have
131. Having no homework
132. Procrastinating your project to the very last possible minute and still getting a good mark
133. Building forts out of sheets or pillows
134. Days that feel like dreams
135. Passing notes and not getting caught
136. Secret codes
137. Jumping down the stairs
138. Having your 11:11 wish come true
139. Just wishing at 11:11
140. Making hilarious typos
141. When someone knows you love wishing at 11:11 and reminds you when they see it's time
142. Running across wet grass barefoot; then slipping & falling and getting soaked
143. The beach. at night.
144. Fingerpainting
145. Squishing sand between your toes
146. Merry-Go-Rounds
147. Pantsing your friend
148. Getting anonymous love letters
149. When somebody leaves a note on your car
150. Secret valentines
151. Having random people give you a compliment
152. Giving strangers high fives, hugs, or anything
153. Doing strange things to strangers
154. When your dad gives you money just because
155. Getting postcards
156. Handprints and fingerprints
157. Walking around
158. Feeding the birds
159. Kittens
160. Laying on your back looking for shapes in the clouds
161. When people make you promises that are kept
162. Swings
163. Making sand castles and watching waves eat them
164. Making up nicknames for people
165. Skating with socks on tile or wood floors
166. Going all out and decorating a note
167. The smell of a candle after it burns out
168. Baking a cake for no reason
169. Waking up outside
170. Getting a huge bag of Halloween candy
171. Dancing in the rain
172. Having a staring contest with your best friend
173. The first scoop of peanut butter in a new jar
174. Knowing people are there for you
175. Not being a victim
176. Having a good hair day
177. Knowing things will get better
178. Finally getting ungrounded
179. Blasting music in a fast car with your best friends
180. Christmas shopping
181. Actually, any kind of shopping
182. Playing Truth or Dare
183. Thinking about the world
184. Getting mail
185. Good report card comments
186. When someone calls before you call them
187. Pretending to be Pirates
188. Talking in a british accent
189. Accomplishing something you thought you could only dream of
190. Not wearing makeup & still feeling pretty
191. Peace
192. Jones soda
193. Skipping
194. Impressing your parents
195. Talking for hours with somebody who actually wants to listen
196. When it's cold out side & you try to conserve body heat by hugging
197. That feeling you get in your stomach/ Christmas morning
198. Swinging on a tire swing
199. Waking up and feeling so warm and comfy and happy that you never want to get up
200. Trying to count the stars
201. Feeling invincible
202. Waking up when it's so bright outside
203. Going in car rides with no destination
204. Sleeping in on rainy mornings
205. Waking up early to watch the sunrise on the roof
206. Good smelling things
207. Being able to stay close with someone
208. Doing anything spontaneous
209. Unexpected phone calls
210. Having a good cry now and then.
211. Showers
212. Making new friends
213. Making chocolate chip cookies and eating half the cookie dough
214. The deep breaths you take after laughing so hard
215. Randomly bursting out laughing when somebody says something totally not funny, just because of an inside joke you and your best friend have
216. Making smoothies or baking with a friend
217. Finding money in your pockets or the bottom of your purse
218. When song lyrics are printed inside your CD so you can sing along until you know it
219. Spending time with people you love
220. Unexpected kisses
221. Dancing on couches to old boy bands
222. Someone tripping and falling and laughing so much you fall down too, and just laughing there together
223. Listening to old music
224. Making videos with your camera
225. Taking pictures with friends and posing together
226. Feeling cool in big sun glasses
227. Old pictures and polaroids
228. Sewing machines & sewing clothes
229. Family that you know will be there
230. People who are there for you
231. Air conditioning
232. Park Benches
233. Bottled water
234. Over grown grass
235. Design
236. Learning
237. Learning from the past
238. The saddest memories that make you feel the most
239. Beautiful, sad songs
240. The ocean
241. Coloring books
242. Gestures
243. Faithfulness
244. Believing & keeping hope
245. Appreciating things
246. Things to shout about
247. Things that are really meaningful
248. Things that have different meanings to everyone
249. Walking away instead of fighting
250. Being strong
251. Forgiving
252. Wonder what the world has in store for you
253. Wonder anything
254. Thinking so much that you want to stop thinking
255. Being crazy
256. Just being

2008-02-07T23:05:00.000-08:00

I went on a date tonight. With my dad! haha it was great. I finally got to get out of this prison I call a house and go somewhere. Ok, we only went to in n out but still. I got "dressed up" (which means wearing jeans for me since i've only been wearing sweats for the past month or so.) Anyways, it was fun. Aaand hopefully I will be at school next week. Hopefully.!

2008-02-05T17:31:00.000-08:00

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. You have no idea. This is the fourth week I've been out of school. As in a whole month. I was too sick today to even meet with my home teacher. I'd felt almost completely fine this whole weekend. Its as if i took ten steps forward and fifteen steps back. It's really getting old.

2008-01-25T20:54:00.000-08:00

So there are good days and bad days. For everyone, really. But good days are days when I feel good lately, and the bad are when I don't. Today was a bad day. Plus, I havent heard anything about dylan so I'm kinda worried about that. My parents went to Jamie Tucker's funeral today. They told me that tyson went up and sang a song to his mom....i just broke out in tears. My prayers are with the Hale and Tucker families this week, it's a hard week for both of them. I'm not really in the mood to write today so I guess I could just say keep those two families in your prayers too.

xo
Courtney

2008-01-23T16:44:00.000-08:00

Today has been nothing special. Just felt like crap and thought I had tuberculosis. (false alarm by the way) I think the highlight of my day was making sugar cookies with my dad who stayed home from work for no reason at all. It was nice. I've been sketching and writing a lot in my moleskine notebook, finally. I finally have the time to do that. I'm trying not to think of all the things that are stressing me out, but not putting them totally out of my mind. Anyways, I guess there's really not much to report on this end I guess. But then again, it's only 4:50 in the afternoon, and everyone knows the good stuff happens at night.

xo
Courtney

hello!

2008-01-22T19:57:00.000-08:00

So this is me with a blog? Right. Well. I just figured since I haven't been at school or whatever people might want to know what's going on! Or not, you know. I mean how interesting could I be? Ha. Anyways! I've now missed about a week and a half of school and have no knowledge of when I will be returning. Scary right? It is for me. So the low-down on "the sickness". I have a severely swollen lymph node in my neck. And I do mean severely swollen. And the one on the opposite side is showing signs of swelling. We originally thought that my tonsils were going to have to come out and this was the full extent of the problem. But after some antibiotics and a few more doctor's visits a conclusion had been made that this was not a tonsil problem but a lymph node problem. They gather bacteria and infections and things but they shouldn't get this swollen. but other than these swollen things on the sides of my neck I've been really weak and had lots of high fevers and a loss of appetite. I had to get one of the most uncomfortable things to me done about 3 times in the past week---blood tests. Eek. So they thought I had mono...great! Finally we had a diagnosis. But wait a minute...that would be too simple. The tests came back negative. So I had to, in the span of 3 hours, get a tuberculosis test at the doctor's office, go to the hospital to get another blood test(they filled up 3 huge vials! ahh), and an ultra-sound on my neck. So here I am again. Waiting to know what's wrong with me. In the meantime I will continue to stay in bed, watch the OC and various movies and see what's going on inside of me. And since I have had all of this free time is the reason I decided to have a blog...for me to have something to do mainly. But if there were people out there who were interested in reading, I guess here you are!
xo
Courtney(aka curnbee)